THE DAILY SHOW 2005

I had to take one current event and write an editorial-type piece.  The other is just a joke.

TAKE THIS JOB AND SCHIAVO IT

Apparently following up on its pledge to keep America safe from…itself, Congress held a rare Sunday session to pass legislation aimed at prolonging the life of Terri Schiavo, the Florida woman who’s been in a “persistent vegetative state” since 1990.  The bill orders a federal court to review the case and GOP leaders hope Schiavo’s feeding tube, which was removed last Friday, will be reinserted in the meantime. 

“The measure of a nation’s commitment to the sanctity of life is reflected in its laws and the extent those laws honor and defend its most vulnerable citizens.”  Whoa, did they just switch the subject to health care for children?  No, they didn’t!  That was Republican Representative James Sensenbrenner, beating a, well, “persistent vegetative” horse, regarding a woman whose feeding tube has been removed and reinserted twice before, which would certainly underscore the “vulnerable” he was talking about.  

President Bush rushed back from his Texas ranch to sign the legislation.  And Vice President Cheney reiterated his strong support for keeping people in comas alive, for obvious reasons.

 (PICTURE OF CHENEY HOOKED UP TO HEART MONITORING EQUIPMENT)

As for someone whose life is not likely to be saved by the Republican-led Congress, Scott Peterson arrived on death row in San Quentin, amid news reports that Robert Blake was found not guilty of murdering his wife.  Because apparently in California, a jury won’t find you guilty of killing your wife and trying to flee…

(PICTURES OF BLAKE AND O.J.)

…unless you also dye your hair blonde.  Poorly.   

(PICTURE OF SCOTT PETERSON WITH BLONDE HAIR). 

On Peterson’s first day on death row, two women called prison officials, saying they were interested in marrying him.  They were Renee Zellweger and, interestingly, Terry Schiavo. 

 

 GO TO HELMS

In a fundraising letter for his new library, former U.S. Senator Jesse Helms asks his supporters to block any move to appoint Bill Clinton as U.N. Secretary General. The former Senator and current Crazy Bigot seeks funding for the Jesse Helms Center, pictured here in a special Daily Show rendering:

(PICTURE OF JESSE HELMS CENTER WITH BURNING CROSS ON FRONT LAWN)

All I want to know is when has any supporter of Jesse Helms ever wanted to build a library?

 

CONAN O’BRIEN 2005

This one I really can’t complain about, because I wouldn’t have hired me either.   But I love both of these pieces. 

“Strunk & White’s Elements of Style” is a much beloved manual for proper grammar, punctuation and writing, most familiar to journalists and nerds (hence my love for the joke).  One of its authors, E.B. White, wrote “Charlotte’s Web.”

And I was completely obsessed with the many, many tragedies suffered by the Boy Scouts of America during the summer of 2005.

The Unabomber and Strunk & White

A federal appeals court has ordered the sale of Unabomber Ted Kaczynski’s personal effects, which include a copy of Strunk & White’s The Elements of Style.

I thought I recognized a little E.B. White in his writing:

“If you think that big government interferes in your life too much NOW, just wait till the government starts regulating the genetic constitution of your children. Such regulation will inevitably follow the introduction of genetic engineering of human beings, because the consequences of unregulated genetic engineering would be disastrous.”

That just reeks of Charlotte’s Web.

“It presumably would be impractical for all people to have electrodes inserted in their heads so that they could be controlled by the authorities.”

This follows Strunk & White’s advice, which tells us “Do not overstate.”  The Unabomber does not say “it’s impossible for all people to have electrodes inserted in their heads.”  He says it’s “impractical” and, for bonus points, uses “presumably” correctly.

“Success will be impossible to resist, because each advance, considered by itself, will appear to be beneficial, or at least the evil involved in making the advance will appear to be beneficial, or at least the evil involved in making the advance will seem to be less than that which would result from not making it.”

I have no complaints with this, other than it’s a bit of a run-on sentence:  “…the evil involved in making the advice will appear to be beneficial” – period.  

Boy Scout Jamboree Safety Report

Given the recent, uh, “unfortunate” events at the Boy Scout Jamboree, the following camp activities have been cancelled:

• The “steal the bear cub” portion of the scavenger hunt
• The railroad track sleepover
• The razor blade swallowing competition
• The “leave your inhaler at home” 20-mile hike
• The West Virginia backwoods canoe trip
• All the hookers

 

THE DISH 2008

Technically, this shouldn’t be on the list since not only did I get this job, they gave me head writer.  But here are a few of my favorite jokes from my submission:

Lindsay Lohan has been accused of stealing an $11,000 blond mink coat at a private party.  She returned it two weeks after a picture of her wearing the coat appeared in OK! Magazine.  According to the fur’s owner, the returned coat smelled of cigarettes and alcohol, and, from what we heard, just a smidgeon of Chlamydia.

The fur’s current owner wants an apology and a rental fee from Lohan.  So far, there’s been no comment on the controversy from the fur’s original owner, which was, of course, several blond minks.

 

TV Guide has proclaimed Patrick Dempsey the Sexiest Man on TV.  Really?  He beat out Howie Mandel, Jim Belushi and Mike Wallace?  Surely this cannot be.

 

The “Sex and the City” movie opens May 30^th.  All you need to enjoy it is a ticket and a Time Machine taking you back to when a “Sex and the City” movie sounded like a good idea.

 Fortunately, we were able to get an exclusive sneak peek at the script.

          (Picks up script to read).

The girls are at brunch and Samantha is speaking:  “Cock, cock, cock, Botox, cock, cock, cock.”  It’s my understanding the movie is based on the writings of Jane Austen.

MAD TV 2007

I got an interview with yet another set of the MAD TV showrunners. 

Meredith Viera had just done a much-publicized interview with J.K. Rowling after the publication of the final Harry Potter book.

THE MEREDITH VIERA J.K. ROWLING INTERVIEW

INT. STUDIO – DAY

MEREDITH VIERA and J.K. ROWLING sit in chairs, surrounded by CHILDREN.

MEREDITH:  I’m here with Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling in a very special “Today Show” exclusive.  We finally have closure on what happens to Voldemort and Harry, but your fans are still clamoring for more.  Tell us…what happens next?

J.K. ROWLING:  Do you really want to know?

All the kids scream “Yes!”

J.K. ROWLING:  Lovely.  Everyone gets hit by a bus.

Meredith laughs.

J.K. ROWLING:  No, really, they do.  All of them.  Well, not all of them.  Mrs. Weasley gets torn apart by a pitbull.  They have to shoot it in the end — the pitbull, not Mrs. Weasley.  She’s torn limb from limb.  But you would be, too, wouldn’t you, if you were attacked by a pitbull?

MEREDITH:  I don’t understand.

J.K. ROWLING:  Hermione, how shall I put this, becomes a meth addict.  Do you remember that scene toward the end of “Requiem for a Dream” where Jennifer Connelly and the other crack whore both have a dildo in their anuses and are fucking while men bet money on them?

A solemn CHILD nods his head yes.

J.K. ROWLING:  Well, that’s the type of thing Hermione would prefer doing, rather than what she’s forced to do every single night.  It’s quite dreadful, really.  But the good news is that the Dark Lord is finally dead.  Hurrah!  The Wizarding World never has to worry about him again, do they?  Now it’s just a matter of getting rid of the rampant genital warts that broke out with all the celebrating.

A stricken Meredith Viera asks:

MEREDITH:  What about Harry?

J.K. ROWLING:  He lives long into the future.  And he hates Latinos.  Can’t stand ‘em, really.

MEREDITH:  Well, I think that’s about it for our interview with J.K. Rowling.

J.K. ROWLING:  Would you like to know how big Hagrid’s penis is?

MEREDITH:  Kind of.

J.K. ROWLING:  Well, if you tried to put it in your…

The camera cuts away to the Technical Difficulties screen.

Fade to Black.

SHOWBIZ SHOW 2005

When the SHOWBIZ SHOW WITH DAVID SPADE first started, they said they were looking for “edgy” material.  Pushing the envelope.  Edgy, edgy, edgy.  So, I did my best edgy material and sent it off.

About a week later, my manager told me that even though they thought I was funny, I didn’t get the job.  She was told the vast majority of submissions they received were too weak.  About a dozen nailed the tone.  And a handful — a handful — were way over the top edgy.  Here’s part of my submission.  I’ll let you figure out where I landed on the spectrum.  

This was the point in history when Lindsay Lohan lost a bunch of weight and right before she went batshit crazy:

Semistar:  the Lindsay Lohan Story 

Pre-taped bit.  In the vein of “Superstar: the Karen Carpenter Story,” in which a Barbie doll acted out Karen’s tragic life, we use a doll to highlight Lindsay Lohan’s recent activities. 

The doll starts out with dark hair.

VOICEOVER:  “Here’s Lindsay when she filmed ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded.’”

The doll now has blonde hair and large bits of plastic have been shaved off its arms and legs.

VOICEOVER:  “Here’s Lindsay months later at the premiere of ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded.’”

We see a close-up of the skinny, blonde doll, with a crazed look in its eyes and thinning hair.

VOICEOVER:  “Lindsay denies having an eating disorder.”

The doll turns and throws up.

VOICEOVER:  “She just exercises and eats right.”

The doll has passed out next to a spinning bike.  A package of Ex-Lax is next to it.

VOICEOVER:  “With a bright career ahead of her, Lindsay could be the next Jennifer Aniston…”

We see a Jennifer doll as skinny as Lindsay.

VOICEOVER:  “Angelina Jolie…”

We see another skinny doll, this one with big lips and tattoos.

VOICEOVER:  “Or even Nicole Kidman.”

A skeleton sits on the “Bewitched” broom.

VOICEOVER:  “Good luck, Lindsay, we’re rooting for you.”

 We see the skinny Lindsay doll, hooked up to an IV, with a feeding tube.  Then a Ken doll smothers her with a pillow.

 

Motherfuckers said they wanted “edgy.”

AUGUST 5, 2009

Eminem is having a “war of words” with Mariah Carey, which is exactly why white people shouldn’t rap.  What a boring feud.  This isn’t Suge Knight or 50 Cent territory.  It’s more “Bitch say she can sing an octave above high C.  Fuck that!  She can’t hit no more than a fifth above.”

 

Today’s Pennsylvania gym shooter “had a lot of hatred in him,” according to police.  And I say “evidence, please?” 

According to his diary entries, the deranged bastard was frustrated because he couldn’t find a girlfriend.  I think he was just too picky.  There’s no shortage of low self-esteem women who would’ve done this guy’s laundry and starved themselves to lose 10 pounds, just to avoid spending another Saturday night alone.  Scott Petersen got engaged on death row.   “The Bachelor’s” been on for seven years.  If this guy couldn’t find a girlfriend, I chalk it up to pure laziness and evil.

 

As President Obama moves into his next 100 days, I’m trying to get the copyright on the words “socialized medicine.”  If I can’t do that, I’m gonna do a shot every time I hear the phrase, which means Fox News can buy me a new liver.  Then I’ll have to wait 10 years for the transplant.

 

Paula Abdul is leaving “American Idol.”  Finally, the program which spends three weeks featuring auditions of the mentally-challenged and clearly delusional will get the respect it so richly deserves.

  

Rachael Ray, Katy Perry and Lauren Conrad are set to appear on a special charity edition of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” later this month.  I didn’t know television had the opposite of Sweeps.  Because nothing will make me turn off the TV quicker than the chance I could accidentally run into any one of those women in prime time. 

I prefer to wait for the Wendy Williams, Lady Gaga and Heidi Klum version of “Meet the Press.”

 

Wannabe Presidential assassin Squeaky Fromme has been paroled, 30 years after her attempt on Gerald Ford’s life.  This is a terrible idea.  The woman tried to kill the most benign, easy-going President in the history of this country.  What’s she going to do when you cut her off in traffic? 

Meanwhile, John Hinkley’s got his fingers crossed.  I don’t know what’s up Jodie Foster’s ass, but I would love to have a guy who’d do anything to impress me.  I can’t even get my boyfriend to wear something other than flip-flops to weddings. 

There’s a “Am I right ladies?” here, but irony is oh-so-hard to convey in writing.

 

It’s been 40 years since the Manson Murders.  Do you know what I think really caused them?  The moon landing.  It took man six thousand years to get there, then three weeks later all hell broke out.  That can’t be a coincidence. 

 

A Zambian news editor has been arrested on obscenity charges in his country for publishing pictures of a woman giving birth.  And all I can say it’s about fucking time.   Do more of that here and I’ll spend fewer awkward moments looking at childbirth footage of my friends’ vaginas.

ON THE PLANE BACK FROM NORTH KOREA

Int. Bill Clinton’s plane – Day

An exhausted LAURA LING and EUNA LEE rest in their seats.  BILL CLINTON crosses to them.

BILL CLINTON:  Hey, pretty Asian ladies, how ya feelin’?

LAURA:  You can’t imagine how awful it was in captivity.

BILL CLINTON:  I’ve spent months imagining what you two have been going through.  In great detail.  For instance, did  you comfort each other?

EUNA:  Sometimes we did. 

BILL CLINTON:   What were you wearing?  One of those little geisha outfits? 

LAURA:  Just khaki pants and a shirt.

BILL CLINTON: What about one  of those vests like that vixen Christiane Amanpour wears?

LAURA:  No.

BILL CLINTON:  Did you do any role playing?  Like Euna’s the Chinese Empress and  Laura’s the Emperor’s concubine.  Guess who I am in that scenario. 

EUNA: This is kind of creepy.

BILL CLINTON:  Or maybe you two work in the nuclear power plant and I’m the weapons inspector?

LAURA:  No.

BILL CLINTON:  You two are Viet Cong and I am President John Fitzgerald Kennedy.

LAURA:  Aren’t you married?

BILL CLINTON:  No!  What gave you that idea?

EUNA:  Listen, we really appreciate what you did for us.  But we’d like to keep this professional.

There’s a really long beat of silence.

BILL CLINTON:  Sure could use some Asian pussy.

LAURA:  That’s not even a metaphor.

BILL CLINTON:  I’ve found it pays to  be direct.  Don’t want any misunderstandings.

EUNA:  Listen, we’re very, very grateful for what you did.  But we’re not going to have sex with you.

BILL CLINTON:  Can  I watch you have sex with each other?

LAURA:  No!

BILL CLINTON:  How about you make out just a little bit.  Shirts off.  Everything else covered.

EUNA:  I kinda want to go back to North Korea.

A SECRET SERVICE AGENT crosses to them.

 AGENT:  Mr. President, we found that bus load of college cheerleaders at the Waffle House you wanted to rescue.

Bill CLINTON:  Lead on, man.  Lead on.

MR. JORDAN AND CLARENCE THE ANGEL

A CONVERSATION BETWEEN CLARENCE THE ANGEL AND MR. JORDAN

EXT. PEARLY GATES

MR. JORDAN AND CLARENCE THE ANGEL HAVE A MEETING.

MR. JORDAN:    In light of that George Bailey project a few years back, we’ve entrusted you with some recent celebrity deaths.  How’s it going?

CLARENCE :  To be honest, Mr. Jordan, I’m having some difficulties.  For instance, what do I do with Farrah Fawcett?

MR. JORDAN:  Ah, Clarence, you have been dead for a long time.  Didn’t you ever see her poster?  That must’ve given you some ideas.

CLARENCE:  I’ve been too busy reading that book by Mark Twain.

MR. JORDAN:  You’ve been trying to finish that book for 65 years, Clarence, which makes you the slowest reader in Heaven — and we’ve got Terry Schiavo.  There’s really only one thing to do with Farrah Fawcett and it’s not send her to hell, no matter how much Aaron Spelling wants to see her.  Next?

CLARENCE : ’50s television actress Gale Storm.  A real sweet lady.

MR. JORDAN:  She goes straight to hell.

CLARENCE:  Sir?

MR. JORDAN:  Does it look like we’ve got a shortage of sweet old ladies in Heaven? Next.

CLARENCE:   Ed McMahon. He helped discover Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.

MR. JORDAN:   Hell sounds like the obvious choice.

CLARENCE:   But he’s such a nice man. He could room with Johnny Carson.

MR. JORDAN:  Didn’t Fred Travalena just die?

CLARENCE : Yes.

MR. JORDAN:  Then we’ll make Ed McMahon and Fred Travalena roommates and Fred can imitate Johnny.  Next.

CLARENCE:   Here’s kind of a tricky one.  Michael Jackson.  I mean, on the one hand, he did some baby dangling from a balcony.  On the other hand, there’s “Thriller.”

MR. JORDAN:  Oooh, that’s tough.

CLARENCE:   I liked that video where the faces morphed into each other. But it kind of made me uncomfortable when he had so many close friends under the age of 9.

MR. JORDAN:  It’s a tricky one.

CLARENCE:  He can really, really dance well.  I mean, that whole Moonwalk thing blew my mind.  But sometimes, I got kind of a weird vibe from all the child molesting.

MR. JORDAN : Alleged child molesting, Clarence. Alleged.

CLARENCE:   What are we going to do?

MR. JORDAN:   I say anyone who inspires Filipino prisoners to get more exercise can’t be all bad.  Let Michael into Heaven.  And keep him away from all the kids.

 CLARENCE:  Billy Mays?

MR. JORDAN : Straight to hell.

Hello world!

Welcome to WordPress.com. This is your first post. Edit or delete it and start blogging!