MEL GIBSON’S SENSITIVITY TRAINING

THERAPIST:  Mr. Gibson, I’m going to name groups of people and you’ll tell me the first thing that comes into your head.  What do you think of Canadians?

MEL:  Do you know who’s Canadian?  Fucking Michael J. Fox.  And you don’t think Michael J. Fox ever called someone a bitch-cunt-whore-gold digger?  He calls his mother that.  You just can’t understand him with all the shaking.  Which I’d bet you – if I had any money – he’s faking.  You know why?  Because he’s from Canada.  Which is like the U.S. without balls. 

THERAPIST:  Girl Scouts.

MEL:  You mean the fucking cookie cunts?  They’re all “Ooh, Mr. Gibson, will you buy some Thin Mints?”  Like I’m fucking made of money!  And you know who can blow me?  Their older fucking sisters.

THERAPIST:  Puppies.

MEL:  Delicious.

THERAPIST:  Nazis.

MEL:  Tragically inefficient.

THERAPIST:  The Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Labor Day Telethon.

MEL:  I hope those fucking kids get cancer.  Maybe that’ll shut ‘em up for one fucking minute about their fucking wheelchairs.  And they can blow me.

THERAPIST:  Jewish people.

MEL:  (Maniacally pants for half an hour.)

THERAPIST:  Gay people.

MEL:  Actually, I’m in favor of gay marriage.  Kidding!  We should burn down their houses, then send the fucking f*gs to Canada – where they’d fucking thrive, like n*****s running in packs on their way to rape fake-tittied bitch-cunt-whore-gold digger lounge singers.

THERAPIST:  Okay, that about does it for today.

MEL:  Like you don’t want to be paid overtime.  I thought you people liked money.

THERAPIST:  Until next week Mr. Gibson.

MEL GIBSON’S SENSITVITY TRAINING

Here’s Mel Gibson at anger management training:

THERAPIST:  Mr. Gibson, I’m going to name groups of people and you’ll tell me the first thing that comes into your head.  What do you think of Canadians?

MEL:  Do you know who’s Canadian?  Fucking Michael J. Fox.  And you don’t think Michael J. Fox ever called someone a bitch-cunt-whore-gold digger?  He calls his mother that.  You just can’t understand him with all the shaking.  Which I’d bet you – if I had any money – he’s faking.  You know why?  Because he’s from Canada.  Which is like the U.S. without balls. 

THERAPIST:  Girl Scouts.

MEL:  You mean the fucking cookie cunts?  They’re all “Ooh, Mr. Gibson, will you buy some Thin Mints?”  Like I’m fucking made of money!  And you know who can blow me?  Their older fucking sisters.

THERAPIST:  Puppies.

MEL:  Delicious.

THERAPIST:  Nazis.

MEL:  Tragically inefficient.

THERAPIST:  The Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Labor Day Telethon.

MEL:  I hope those fucking kids get cancer.  Maybe that’ll shut ‘em up for one fucking minute about their fucking wheelchairs.  And they can blow me.

THERAPIST:  Jewish people.

MEL:  (Maniacally pants for half an hour.)

THERAPIST:  Gay people.

MEL:  Actually, I’m in favor of gay marriage.  Kidding!  We should burn down their houses, then send the fucking f*gs to Canada – where they’d fucking thrive, like n*****s running in packs on their way to rape fake-tittied bitch-cunt-whore-gold digger lounge singers.

THERAPIST:  Okay, that about does it for today.

MEL:  Like you don’t want the overtime?  I thought you people liked money.

THERAPIST:  Until next week Mr. Gibson.

IF I WROTE WEEKEND UPDATE

This is what I would do about Tiger Woods:

Seth: The world of golf was rocked this week when Tiger Woods was hit with allegations of affairs with various women. Here to tell us more about it is his occasional golf partner, Bill Clinton.

Bill: Thanks, Seth. I was grieved – grieved and pained – to hear such dreadful accusations against my good friend Tiger Woods.  And I will swear under oath there is no truth to the rumor that every time we said we were “playing golf,” we were actually at a Chili’s outside of Tampa, talking up the hostess and a cute little bartender named Mindi.

But no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. And Tiger, you need to know you made a big one: you never should’ve married a blonde.

I mean, it seems like a good idea at the time. But they’re not as gullible as they look. And they are handy with a golf club. The only reason I ran for President was to get Secret Service protection from Hillary.

Tiger, the next time you feel the need to sink a few balls, handle your wood or practice your swing – oh my God, I just turned myself on – do what I did. Get your wife a job where she’s always out of town.

Any time I want to “play golf,” I just call the State Department Tip Line, muffle my voice with a handkerchief and tell them a fight just broke out halfway around the world and they need to send the Secretary of State right away.

Granted, not everyone can have a wife who’s Secretary of State. Although, if you want mine you’re welcome to her – kidding! We have a loving relationship based on mutual respect and the ability to spend long periods of time without ever seeing each other or even remembering we’re married.

But, Tiger, where there’s a will to stray, you can find a way. For instance, the next time you need some privacy, send that little Elin over to my house. I’ll keep her busy while you do your thing. Just give me enough advance notice so I can call the Tip Line first.

SLEEPING WITH JON GOSSELIN

In the past few days, two women have given high-profile interviews in which they inexplicably admitted to being romantically involved with Jon Gosselin. 

Kate Major went so far as to quit her job as a reporter at Star Magazine – there goes her shot at a Pulitzer – because of her interaction with Gosselin.   Stephanie Santoro, a nanny for the Gosselin children, admitted she and Jon had a sexual relationship.  And they were following in the wake of Hailey Glassman, who helped intensify my loathing of both Ed Hardy and France last summer as she and Gosselin took a highly publicized trip to St. Tropez.

All three of these women are young, attractive and seemingly intelligent.  My question isn’t why they’d become involved with Jon Gosselin, although you do have to wonder.  They’re young and he’s a good looking guy.  Many, if not most of us, had a few cringe-worthy relationships at that time in our lives.  My question is why these women wanted to show the world just how bad their choices really are.

Before the Gosselins announced their separation, I was only vaguely aware of their show.  I’d watched just enough snippets to know she could be overbearing and unpleasant and he was somewhat of a spineless cipher.  My main objection to both of them was that they’d sacrificed their children’s privacy in order to gain fame.  And they’d done it cheaply on cable.  I mean, if you’re going to sell out, get some ratings.

But over the Summer of Gosselin, Jon has shown us in interview after interview that he doesn’t know when to shut up.  He’s bad-mouthed Kate repeatedly and even if he believes she deserves it, those eight children shouldn’t have to see one parent demeaning the other.

So why tell the world you fell for that guy?  I suppose there’s money to be made in book deals (which I would never read) and made-for-TV movies (which I would totally watch).  But I can’t imagine it’s enough money to make up for the fact you’re going to look like an idiot in front of the worldwide global village.

Maybe they’re looking for fame.  You can certainly parlay a little bit of fame into a couple years’ worth of reality show appearances until Tonya Harding ultimately meets you in the boxing ring.  But to what end? 

Monica Lewinsky is probably one of the most famous infamous exes in recent history.  And in her limited defense, she wasn’t the one who sought the spotlight.  It was her good buddy Linda Tripp who brought the story to light, which made Monica a young woman with bad relationship choices in more than one area of her life. 

But, eventually, Monica did try to seek fame and it didn’t really turn out very well.  I was a writer at “Jimmy Kimmel Live” when she was on the show and she, shall we say, “wasn’t keen on” doing any jokes that pertained to the only reason we knew who she was.   In years of trying, she was unable to turn her infamy into a solid, respectable TV gig.  In other words, she couldn’t do what Elisabeth Hasselbeck did.  And that can’t be good for your self-esteem.

Maybe these women are speaking up because they want to show the world that Gosselin isn’t a great guy.  But, speaking on behalf of the world, we’re already there. 

So, I hope the Gosselin domestic drama disappears soon, right up until the kids write their tell-alls.  Those are books I’ll read.

TWO JACKS IN THE HOLE – PROFILES

(This is the piece I did for the Two Jacks in the Hole radio show)

My name is Maureen Driscoll, I’m 46-years-old, divorced and dating online.  And this is my quest to avoid dying alone.

The first step in online dating is getting to know someone from their profile.  And it’s their chance to make a great first impression.  The following guys?  Didn’t.

One guy said his most humbling moment was witnessing his niece being born.  WHOA.  I don’t know if he was watching his sister’s vagina or his brother’s wife’s vagina.  There’s no good answer there.  The entire world is divided into vagina you can see.  And vagina you should never see.  And he pretty much cornered the market on the vagina that should always be kept hidden.

Another guy wrote that in his bedroom you’d find, “a soft comforter and a terrific high-end European queen-sized bed with 800-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and lots of pillows.”  Okay, that’s really, really gay.  He will become that one guy who marries a woman named Barb, who will from this day forward always be known as “Barb with the gay husband.”  As in, “I ran into Barb with the gay husband today.”  “How she’s doing?”  “Still married to that gay guy.”  Everyone will know her husband is gay except Barb.  But they will always have exquisite linens.

There were a surprising number of guys who included photos of themselves playing acoustic guitars.  One of them even had a flute.  None of this is acceptable.

Dating is hard enough without the chance some guy is going to whip out a guitar and start giving me some homemade John Mayer .  And, God forbid, it’s even worse when they write something original and you have figure out something nice to say about it when all you really want to do is to puncture your eardrum with your gouged-out eyeball.

Also in the music-related category was the guy who said women should get to know him because “like Clapton, I have a slow hand.”  See, I’m not getting a Clapton vibe, as much as an old-school M.C. Dick-in-Hand feeling.

Others were more straightforward.  One guy said he was looking for “Someone I enjoy talking to and having sex with.”  And, for the record, me too! But as a friend pointed out, that is almost always two different people. 

I never thought I’d miss the investment-banker, date-rapist lawyers of the 1980s that populated my early dating world.  But very few of them ever broke into song. 

This is Maureen Driscoll and now dying alone doesn’t seem that bad.

MY FAVORITE FAILURES

Being a writer often means you hear “no,” more often than “yes.”  I’ve had a fairly good career, but I’ve also been rejected just about everywhere in late night television (SNL…your time is coming).

I recently went through old submissions of mine, and found the rejected material I still really, really love.  In the following posts, I’ve listed the shows I submitted to, any instructions they might’ve had and what was in the news at the time, if needed.

So, here’s a bunch of stuff that flopped:

DAVID LETTERMAN 2007

The instructions were to take recent Top Ten topics, then do my own lists.

This was shortly after Britney Spears shaved her head. 

Top Ten Signs Your City is Too Fat

10.  When people “have a little work done,” it usually involves a staple and a stomach.

9.  Your sister city is actually a chocolate factory in Switzerland.

8.  Real whales have no place to beach themselves.

7.  Babies that weigh less than 12 pounds when born get tossed back.

6.  McDonald’s forced to close because people mistook Golden Arches for fries.

5.  Residents have heart attacks just by watching someone shovel snow.

4.  Key to the city opens every Dunkin Donuts.

3.  Crime plummets because criminals are unable to lift heavy objects or run away.

2.  People keep asking “Does this king size bed I can’t get up from make me look fat?”

1.  It’s located in the United States of America.

 

Top Ten Messages Left on Britney Spears’ Answering Machine

10.  “Sorry it took so long to get back to you, but the best way to get gum out of hair is with peanut butter.”

9.  “This is your neighbor again.  Can you remind Kevin there’s a bathroom inside your house?”

8.  “We offer a 30-day escrow on any trailer you want to buy.”

7.  “This is your insurance company.  Your blood sample got the toxicologist drunk.”

6.  “Please don’t come back to our tattoo parlor.  You scared the strippers and bikers.”

5.  “You’re an embarrassment to the family.  I’m almost ashamed my son ever left his 8-months-pregnant girlfriend to run off with you.”

4.  “This is your rehab center.  As we told you before, you can’t get your recovery in a ‘to-go cup.’”

3.  “Brad Pitt and I would like to adopt your kids.”

 2.  “This is your agent.  And, no, we can’t convince everyone the past three years were just a dream, even if you did see it on ‘Dallas.’”

1.  “If you don’t send your deposit ASAP, your acceptance to Harvard will be withdrawn.”

 

Top Ten Ways George Bush Is Celebrating President’s Day

10.  Invading Sizzler.

9.  Re-naming Crawford ranch “Monticello West.”

8.  Gloating over how much more popular he is than Nixon.

7.  Finally putting some pants on the Washington Monument.

6.  Registering for gifts at Tyrants R Us.

5.  Stocking White House pantry with Twinkies, pork rinds and mayonnaise for possible return of the Clintons.

4.  Getting corporate sponsorship for new Lincoln Continental Bedroom.

3.  Showing Laura his Manifest Destiny.

2.  Smoking whatever is growing in the Rose Garden.

1.  Buying a 2007 Jeep Durango at the close-out price of the year!

MAD TV 2006

This got me my first interview at MAD TV.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Four MOVIE EXECUTIVES sit around a table.

MATT:  We just got the latest box office receipts on “United 93.”  It’s losing so much money, I don’t even think it’s worth releasing on DVD.

GREG:   What if we re-shoot parts of it?

MATT:  What do you mean?

GREG:  I know this is a bit “unusual,” but what if we turn it into “Snakes on United 93.”

He looks around the table for approval.

MATT:  I don’t know.  It just doesn’t seem…easy.

GREG:   Everyone’s making serious movies more accessible.  Oliver Stone’s “World Trade Center” is really just a re-make of “The Towering Inferno.”

STAN:  In the re-make of “Schindler’s List,” he doesn’t just put people on a list, he has to rank them in order of how much he likes them. 

GREG:  Exactly, they took a period piece — like the Holocaust — then gave it the tension and relevance of My Space rankings.

JOAN:  I hear they’re doing that with the re-make of “Boat Trip.”  They’re combining it with “Amistad,” and Cuba Gooding, Jr. still gets to star.

GREG:  You can’t miss with “Snakes on United 93.”  I mean, you’ve got snakes.  And terrorists.  What else could you ask for?

STAN:  Jessica Alba.

GREG:  Done.

JOAN:  As long as we’re tinkering with the script, this time we should make the terrorists real bad guys.

STAN:  Like they’re out to corner the world diamond market.

JOAN:  Exactly.

Matt:  Who’ll play the lead? 

GREG:  Samuel L. Jackson

.JOAN:  If we can get him. 

MATT:  I don’t know.  Our marketing department took a poll that showed almost 47% of Americans still remember 9/11.  They’ll know there weren’t any snakes on that plane.

GREG:  Who says there weren’t?  The galley could’ve been crawling with ’em.

MATT:  Wouldn’t the government have told us?

GREG:  And risk upsetting the public?  People would’ve been scared to fly for weeks after that.

JOAN:  Plus, it’s a docu-drama.  That means we can make 9/11 dramatic.

GREG:  Look, it starts off with Sam Jackson getting on the plane and sitting next to a kid.

STAN:  A sweet little black kid.

JOAN:  In a wheelchair.

STAN:  With asthma.

GREG:  And there’s this loudmouth, obnoxious white guy who gets in Sam’s face.

STAN:  Todd Beamer.

JOAN:  Played by Eugene Levy.

GREG:  Then all of the sudden, the kid looks up and sees a snake in the overhead luggage compartment.

STAN:  And the kid freaks out, because he’s allergic to snakes.

GREG:  Then one of the terrorists gets up and tells everyone to give him their diamonds.

JOAN:  And an asteroid from space barely misses the plane.

Greg and Stan look at her.

GREG:  Now, that’s just ridiculous.

JOAN:  Okay, what if some of the snakes start fighting each other?  Like they’re on our side, but some of the snakes are loyal to the terrorists.  And some of them are completely neutral.  But deadly.

STAN:  That would work.

MATT:  I don’t know.  I just can’t picture it.

GREG:  Trust us.

INT. MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT

It’s a movie trailer onscreen.  The trailer is set on a plane with terrified PASSENGERS.  THREE TERRORISTS hold diamonds, two snakes fight each other, while SAMUEL L. JACKSON AND EUGENE LEVY fight off some other snakes. 

EUGENE LEVY:  Let’s roll!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON:   Let’s roll?  Let’s get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane!

The trailer freezes and we hear that guy who does the movie trailer V.O.:

MOVIE V.O. GUY:  “Snakes on United 93.”  Coming soon to a theater near you.  This film is not yet rated and contains scenes of violence, nudity, snake fighting and diamond smuggling that may not be suitable for young children.

 

SHOWBIZ SHOW 2007

I had an audition for a correspondent slot for THE SHOWBIZ SHOW WITH DAVID SPADE and had to write a piece on celebrity adoption.

INT. STUDIO – EVENING

CORRESPONDENT:  It’s the feel-good story of the decade, David:  families from Third World nations are now adopting the children of Hollywood’s rich and famous unfit parents. 

Soon both of Britney Spears’ kids will be on a plane to Mumbai, India, where they’ll meet their new Mom and 17 siblings.  It’ll be a step up for young Sean Preston and Sutton Pierce, because this way, if their new Mom shows her ganeesha in public, it’ll be to put 21 grains of rice on the table and not just to get on the cover of Us Weekly for the 10 billionth time. 

Meanwhile, Kevin Federline’s other children will also find a home in India, living in a garbage dump in Bangladore.  The accommodations won’t be very nice, but by the time they’re 6, they could get great jobs at Time Warner Cable’s call center.  The Federline family cycle of joblessness will finally come to an end.

 And it’s not just the Third World families who are reaching out to the children.  Two-year-old Zahara Jolie-Pitt has reportedly decided to give up her designer clothes, diamond-encrusted bottle and the chance to get all her vaccinations, in order to return to her Ethiopian AIDS orphanage.

 DAVID:  How did this all come about?

 CORRESPONDENT:  It was inspired by the tragic life of LaToya Jackson.  Just think how much better off LaToya would be today if she’d been separated from her family at an early age and sent to live in Cambodia’s killing fields. 

 DAVID:  Who else is being adopted?

 CORRESPONDENT:  Bobbi Kristina Brown, the daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown is reportedly looking forward to her fresh start in Baghdad. 

And in anticipation of problems to come, Pete Doherty and Kate Moss will be flown to Darfur, where Kate will give birth in a sewage trench, then the baby will be handed over to one of the nicest paramilitary leaders in the region.

 DAVID:  Is there anything we can learn from this situation?

 CORRESPONDENT:  One heartwarming conclusion:  We Really Are the World.  And They Do Know It’s Christmas.

 

COLBERT REPORT 2006

I had to do a countdown of the five biggest threats facing the nation.  

At this point in history, Arnold’s Schwarzenegger’s gubanatorial campaign was in the news.  And, apparently, the avian flu had made an appearance somewhere.

THREATDOWN

#5: Films That Show the Assassination of President Bush in 2007

The movie “Death of a President,” which depicts the assassination of President George W. Bush in 2007, should be banned because it is the #5 threat to this great nation.  Why?  Because in that movie’s version of the future, there are no flying cars.  No Orgasmatron.  I saw that movie and realized that in 2007 there’ll be no replicators, so, unlike Captain Jean Luc Picard, I won’t be able to say “Tea, Earl Grey, Hot” and have it magically appear.  I’m still gonna have to send some P.A. to get it, he’ll still screw up and I’ll still have to fire him myself.

If you’re going to assassinate a President in the future, I want it done by ray gun as a Cyborg flies in on a jet pack.

(Picture of jet pack-flying Cyborg assassinating President Bush by ray gun.)

If you’re giving me movies about the future, I want metallic clothing.  I want Thunderdome.  And, most of all, I want that Orgasmatron. 

 #4:  Restrictions Against the Worldwide Eradication of Birds

It comes down to this.  Terrorists cause terrorism.  We either kill them or send them to Gitmo.  Birds cause bird flu, so we either kill them or…

(Picture of prison cell at Guantanamo filled with birds.)

…we send them to Gitmo. 

What do birds do all day?  They flaunt their flying, mess up countless statues of obscure dead men and spread pestilence across the globe.  They are, in short, the avian John Travolta…

(Picture of John Travolta flying his jet, which is dumping excrement on statues)

…with even more Scientology.

(Picture of penguin in front of the Scientology Celebrity Center)

I want to see less of this…

(Clip of Tippi Hedron being attacked in “The Birds”)

…and more of this…

(Clip of a pigeon walking toward a crust of bread, then a pillowcase is thrown over its head and it’s whisked away.)

Birds.  You just can’t trust them.  And I wouldn’t loan money to John Travolta, either.

#3:  Political Sex Scandals That Don’t Turn Me on Personally

If I’m reading about two people having sex, I don’t want it to be two guys – even if my credit card isn’t being charged.  I want my sex scandals to involve plump-yet-beautiful, beret-wearing, young – but legal – women.  I want more blue dress and less lacrosse practice.  If someone has to do homework, I want her dressed in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform.  If there’s some powerful man IM-ing a much younger subordinate, I don’t want this…

(Photo of Mark Foley at computer)

I’m only interested in this…

(Stephen Colbert at computer)

So, please, dirty old men of America…either strike up affairs with Lindsay Lohan or be a hell of a lot more discrete.

 #2:  Media Disinterest in the Physical Fitness Level of Politicians

As the 2006 elections draw to a close, our nation faces one of its biggest threats from a media that just doesn’t give a damn about the physical fitness of our politicians.  And nowhere is this principle better exemplified than in a certain California race.

I’m speaking, of course, of the race between Mike DeNunzio and Nancy Pelosi.   If Democratic congressional candidates can take just a two-week break from raising taxes, burning flags and marrying off the gays – and there’s really no guarantee they can – there’s a chance they can re-take Congress.  That would put Nancy Pelosi in line to be the first female Speaker of the House since Tip O’Neill.

But think about what that means.  A woman in charge of the House of Representatives.   Can she physically do it?  What if I’m walking around the Capitol and there’s a terrorist attack on the building.  Who’s going to carry me to freedom?  Not Nancy Pelosi.  Could she carry Katie Couric?  

(Picture of Nancy Pelosi carrying Katie Couric) 

Probably.  Jon Stewart? 

(Picture of Nancy Pelosi carrying Jon Stewart) 

Most definitely so.  Rosie O’Donnell? 

(Picture of a squashed Nancy Pelosi beneath Rosie O’Donnell) 

Not everyone’s meant to survive a terrorist attack.

Before the liberal media sends Nancy back to Washington, I want them to ask one question:  Can she carry Colbert?  

(Picture of Pelosi carrying Colbert)

If not, we’d better elect a Congress full of firemen.  Or Rosie O’Donnell.

(Picture of Rosie carrying Nancy Pelosi, Katie Couric, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.)

 #1:  The Porous Border With Canada

The number one threat to America is, obviously, immigration.  Specifically the flood of Mckenzie Brother-loving, good-beer swilling, curling-team fanatics from Canada.   

Canada is filled with wannabe immigrants who’d like nothing more than to head to a land where you don’t need a winter coat in July.  A place where we’re proud to lock our doors every night.  And in the morning.  And during the day.  And carry a lot of guns.

They’ve already made military incursions onto American soil, such as the troop of Royal Canadian Mounted Police who invaded Louisiana in September 2005 to “help” victims of Hurricane Katrina.  We just happen to have pictures that tell a different story: 

(Cartoon picture of Dudley Do-Right wearing Mardi Gras beads and looking drunk)

(Cartoon picture of Dudley’s horse wearing Mardi Gras beads and looking drunk)

(Cartoon picture of Dudley leading his horse away for unseemly sexual action.)

We need to crack down on illegal Canadian immigrants.  Send the INS on raids to deport them:

(Before: Picture of an NHL game, filled with spectators)

(After:  Picture of a hockey game with a dozen spectators and only one player)

Now, I’m not suggesting building a fence between the U.S. and Canada, mostly because once we build the Mexican fence, we probably won’t have anyone to work on it.  Instead, let’s seed the northern border with landmines.  Not every mile of it.  Just here and there, and use pit bulls on the rest.

Canada.  Cold.  Not our friend.  But good beer.