IF I WROTE WEEKEND UPDATE

This is what I would do about Tiger Woods:

Seth: The world of golf was rocked this week when Tiger Woods was hit with allegations of affairs with various women. Here to tell us more about it is his occasional golf partner, Bill Clinton.

Bill: Thanks, Seth. I was grieved – grieved and pained – to hear such dreadful accusations against my good friend Tiger Woods.  And I will swear under oath there is no truth to the rumor that every time we said we were “playing golf,” we were actually at a Chili’s outside of Tampa, talking up the hostess and a cute little bartender named Mindi.

But no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. And Tiger, you need to know you made a big one: you never should’ve married a blonde.

I mean, it seems like a good idea at the time. But they’re not as gullible as they look. And they are handy with a golf club. The only reason I ran for President was to get Secret Service protection from Hillary.

Tiger, the next time you feel the need to sink a few balls, handle your wood or practice your swing – oh my God, I just turned myself on – do what I did. Get your wife a job where she’s always out of town.

Any time I want to “play golf,” I just call the State Department Tip Line, muffle my voice with a handkerchief and tell them a fight just broke out halfway around the world and they need to send the Secretary of State right away.

Granted, not everyone can have a wife who’s Secretary of State. Although, if you want mine you’re welcome to her – kidding! We have a loving relationship based on mutual respect and the ability to spend long periods of time without ever seeing each other or even remembering we’re married.

But, Tiger, where there’s a will to stray, you can find a way. For instance, the next time you need some privacy, send that little Elin over to my house. I’ll keep her busy while you do your thing. Just give me enough advance notice so I can call the Tip Line first.