TWO JACKS IN THE HOLE – PROFILES

(This is the piece I did for the Two Jacks in the Hole radio show)

My name is Maureen Driscoll, I’m 46-years-old, divorced and dating online.  And this is my quest to avoid dying alone.

The first step in online dating is getting to know someone from their profile.  And it’s their chance to make a great first impression.  The following guys?  Didn’t.

One guy said his most humbling moment was witnessing his niece being born.  WHOA.  I don’t know if he was watching his sister’s vagina or his brother’s wife’s vagina.  There’s no good answer there.  The entire world is divided into vagina you can see.  And vagina you should never see.  And he pretty much cornered the market on the vagina that should always be kept hidden.

Another guy wrote that in his bedroom you’d find, “a soft comforter and a terrific high-end European queen-sized bed with 800-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and lots of pillows.”  Okay, that’s really, really gay.  He will become that one guy who marries a woman named Barb, who will from this day forward always be known as “Barb with the gay husband.”  As in, “I ran into Barb with the gay husband today.”  “How she’s doing?”  “Still married to that gay guy.”  Everyone will know her husband is gay except Barb.  But they will always have exquisite linens.

There were a surprising number of guys who included photos of themselves playing acoustic guitars.  One of them even had a flute.  None of this is acceptable.

Dating is hard enough without the chance some guy is going to whip out a guitar and start giving me some homemade John Mayer .  And, God forbid, it’s even worse when they write something original and you have figure out something nice to say about it when all you really want to do is to puncture your eardrum with your gouged-out eyeball.

Also in the music-related category was the guy who said women should get to know him because “like Clapton, I have a slow hand.”  See, I’m not getting a Clapton vibe, as much as an old-school M.C. Dick-in-Hand feeling.

Others were more straightforward.  One guy said he was looking for “Someone I enjoy talking to and having sex with.”  And, for the record, me too! But as a friend pointed out, that is almost always two different people. 

I never thought I’d miss the investment-banker, date-rapist lawyers of the 1980s that populated my early dating world.  But very few of them ever broke into song. 

This is Maureen Driscoll and now dying alone doesn’t seem that bad.