SLEEPING WITH JON GOSSELIN

In the past few days, two women have given high-profile interviews in which they inexplicably admitted to being romantically involved with Jon Gosselin. 

Kate Major went so far as to quit her job as a reporter at Star Magazine – there goes her shot at a Pulitzer – because of her interaction with Gosselin.   Stephanie Santoro, a nanny for the Gosselin children, admitted she and Jon had a sexual relationship.  And they were following in the wake of Hailey Glassman, who helped intensify my loathing of both Ed Hardy and France last summer as she and Gosselin took a highly publicized trip to St. Tropez.

All three of these women are young, attractive and seemingly intelligent.  My question isn’t why they’d become involved with Jon Gosselin, although you do have to wonder.  They’re young and he’s a good looking guy.  Many, if not most of us, had a few cringe-worthy relationships at that time in our lives.  My question is why these women wanted to show the world just how bad their choices really are.

Before the Gosselins announced their separation, I was only vaguely aware of their show.  I’d watched just enough snippets to know she could be overbearing and unpleasant and he was somewhat of a spineless cipher.  My main objection to both of them was that they’d sacrificed their children’s privacy in order to gain fame.  And they’d done it cheaply on cable.  I mean, if you’re going to sell out, get some ratings.

But over the Summer of Gosselin, Jon has shown us in interview after interview that he doesn’t know when to shut up.  He’s bad-mouthed Kate repeatedly and even if he believes she deserves it, those eight children shouldn’t have to see one parent demeaning the other.

So why tell the world you fell for that guy?  I suppose there’s money to be made in book deals (which I would never read) and made-for-TV movies (which I would totally watch).  But I can’t imagine it’s enough money to make up for the fact you’re going to look like an idiot in front of the worldwide global village.

Maybe they’re looking for fame.  You can certainly parlay a little bit of fame into a couple years’ worth of reality show appearances until Tonya Harding ultimately meets you in the boxing ring.  But to what end? 

Monica Lewinsky is probably one of the most famous infamous exes in recent history.  And in her limited defense, she wasn’t the one who sought the spotlight.  It was her good buddy Linda Tripp who brought the story to light, which made Monica a young woman with bad relationship choices in more than one area of her life. 

But, eventually, Monica did try to seek fame and it didn’t really turn out very well.  I was a writer at “Jimmy Kimmel Live” when she was on the show and she, shall we say, “wasn’t keen on” doing any jokes that pertained to the only reason we knew who she was.   In years of trying, she was unable to turn her infamy into a solid, respectable TV gig.  In other words, she couldn’t do what Elisabeth Hasselbeck did.  And that can’t be good for your self-esteem.

Maybe these women are speaking up because they want to show the world that Gosselin isn’t a great guy.  But, speaking on behalf of the world, we’re already there. 

So, I hope the Gosselin domestic drama disappears soon, right up until the kids write their tell-alls.  Those are books I’ll read.

TWO JACKS IN THE HOLE – PROFILES

(This is the piece I did for the Two Jacks in the Hole radio show)

My name is Maureen Driscoll, I’m 46-years-old, divorced and dating online.  And this is my quest to avoid dying alone.

The first step in online dating is getting to know someone from their profile.  And it’s their chance to make a great first impression.  The following guys?  Didn’t.

One guy said his most humbling moment was witnessing his niece being born.  WHOA.  I don’t know if he was watching his sister’s vagina or his brother’s wife’s vagina.  There’s no good answer there.  The entire world is divided into vagina you can see.  And vagina you should never see.  And he pretty much cornered the market on the vagina that should always be kept hidden.

Another guy wrote that in his bedroom you’d find, “a soft comforter and a terrific high-end European queen-sized bed with 800-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and lots of pillows.”  Okay, that’s really, really gay.  He will become that one guy who marries a woman named Barb, who will from this day forward always be known as “Barb with the gay husband.”  As in, “I ran into Barb with the gay husband today.”  “How she’s doing?”  “Still married to that gay guy.”  Everyone will know her husband is gay except Barb.  But they will always have exquisite linens.

There were a surprising number of guys who included photos of themselves playing acoustic guitars.  One of them even had a flute.  None of this is acceptable.

Dating is hard enough without the chance some guy is going to whip out a guitar and start giving me some homemade John Mayer .  And, God forbid, it’s even worse when they write something original and you have figure out something nice to say about it when all you really want to do is to puncture your eardrum with your gouged-out eyeball.

Also in the music-related category was the guy who said women should get to know him because “like Clapton, I have a slow hand.”  See, I’m not getting a Clapton vibe, as much as an old-school M.C. Dick-in-Hand feeling.

Others were more straightforward.  One guy said he was looking for “Someone I enjoy talking to and having sex with.”  And, for the record, me too! But as a friend pointed out, that is almost always two different people. 

I never thought I’d miss the investment-banker, date-rapist lawyers of the 1980s that populated my early dating world.  But very few of them ever broke into song. 

This is Maureen Driscoll and now dying alone doesn’t seem that bad.