SHOWBIZ SHOW 2007

I had an audition for a correspondent slot for THE SHOWBIZ SHOW WITH DAVID SPADE and had to write a piece on celebrity adoption.

INT. STUDIO – EVENING

CORRESPONDENT:  It’s the feel-good story of the decade, David:  families from Third World nations are now adopting the children of Hollywood’s rich and famous unfit parents. 

Soon both of Britney Spears’ kids will be on a plane to Mumbai, India, where they’ll meet their new Mom and 17 siblings.  It’ll be a step up for young Sean Preston and Sutton Pierce, because this way, if their new Mom shows her ganeesha in public, it’ll be to put 21 grains of rice on the table and not just to get on the cover of Us Weekly for the 10 billionth time. 

Meanwhile, Kevin Federline’s other children will also find a home in India, living in a garbage dump in Bangladore.  The accommodations won’t be very nice, but by the time they’re 6, they could get great jobs at Time Warner Cable’s call center.  The Federline family cycle of joblessness will finally come to an end.

 And it’s not just the Third World families who are reaching out to the children.  Two-year-old Zahara Jolie-Pitt has reportedly decided to give up her designer clothes, diamond-encrusted bottle and the chance to get all her vaccinations, in order to return to her Ethiopian AIDS orphanage.

 DAVID:  How did this all come about?

 CORRESPONDENT:  It was inspired by the tragic life of LaToya Jackson.  Just think how much better off LaToya would be today if she’d been separated from her family at an early age and sent to live in Cambodia’s killing fields. 

 DAVID:  Who else is being adopted?

 CORRESPONDENT:  Bobbi Kristina Brown, the daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown is reportedly looking forward to her fresh start in Baghdad. 

And in anticipation of problems to come, Pete Doherty and Kate Moss will be flown to Darfur, where Kate will give birth in a sewage trench, then the baby will be handed over to one of the nicest paramilitary leaders in the region.

 DAVID:  Is there anything we can learn from this situation?

 CORRESPONDENT:  One heartwarming conclusion:  We Really Are the World.  And They Do Know It’s Christmas.