MAD TV 2006

This got me my first interview at MAD TV.

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

Four MOVIE EXECUTIVES sit around a table.

MATT:  We just got the latest box office receipts on “United 93.”  It’s losing so much money, I don’t even think it’s worth releasing on DVD.

GREG:   What if we re-shoot parts of it?

MATT:  What do you mean?

GREG:  I know this is a bit “unusual,” but what if we turn it into “Snakes on United 93.”

He looks around the table for approval.

MATT:  I don’t know.  It just doesn’t seem…easy.

GREG:   Everyone’s making serious movies more accessible.  Oliver Stone’s “World Trade Center” is really just a re-make of “The Towering Inferno.”

STAN:  In the re-make of “Schindler’s List,” he doesn’t just put people on a list, he has to rank them in order of how much he likes them. 

GREG:  Exactly, they took a period piece — like the Holocaust — then gave it the tension and relevance of My Space rankings.

JOAN:  I hear they’re doing that with the re-make of “Boat Trip.”  They’re combining it with “Amistad,” and Cuba Gooding, Jr. still gets to star.

GREG:  You can’t miss with “Snakes on United 93.”  I mean, you’ve got snakes.  And terrorists.  What else could you ask for?

STAN:  Jessica Alba.

GREG:  Done.

JOAN:  As long as we’re tinkering with the script, this time we should make the terrorists real bad guys.

STAN:  Like they’re out to corner the world diamond market.

JOAN:  Exactly.

Matt:  Who’ll play the lead? 

GREG:  Samuel L. Jackson

.JOAN:  If we can get him. 

MATT:  I don’t know.  Our marketing department took a poll that showed almost 47% of Americans still remember 9/11.  They’ll know there weren’t any snakes on that plane.

GREG:  Who says there weren’t?  The galley could’ve been crawling with ’em.

MATT:  Wouldn’t the government have told us?

GREG:  And risk upsetting the public?  People would’ve been scared to fly for weeks after that.

JOAN:  Plus, it’s a docu-drama.  That means we can make 9/11 dramatic.

GREG:  Look, it starts off with Sam Jackson getting on the plane and sitting next to a kid.

STAN:  A sweet little black kid.

JOAN:  In a wheelchair.

STAN:  With asthma.

GREG:  And there’s this loudmouth, obnoxious white guy who gets in Sam’s face.

STAN:  Todd Beamer.

JOAN:  Played by Eugene Levy.

GREG:  Then all of the sudden, the kid looks up and sees a snake in the overhead luggage compartment.

STAN:  And the kid freaks out, because he’s allergic to snakes.

GREG:  Then one of the terrorists gets up and tells everyone to give him their diamonds.

JOAN:  And an asteroid from space barely misses the plane.

Greg and Stan look at her.

GREG:  Now, that’s just ridiculous.

JOAN:  Okay, what if some of the snakes start fighting each other?  Like they’re on our side, but some of the snakes are loyal to the terrorists.  And some of them are completely neutral.  But deadly.

STAN:  That would work.

MATT:  I don’t know.  I just can’t picture it.

GREG:  Trust us.

INT. MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT

It’s a movie trailer onscreen.  The trailer is set on a plane with terrified PASSENGERS.  THREE TERRORISTS hold diamonds, two snakes fight each other, while SAMUEL L. JACKSON AND EUGENE LEVY fight off some other snakes. 

EUGENE LEVY:  Let’s roll!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON:   Let’s roll?  Let’s get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane!

The trailer freezes and we hear that guy who does the movie trailer V.O.:

MOVIE V.O. GUY:  “Snakes on United 93.”  Coming soon to a theater near you.  This film is not yet rated and contains scenes of violence, nudity, snake fighting and diamond smuggling that may not be suitable for young children.