DAVID LETTERMAN 2007

The instructions were to take recent Top Ten topics, then do my own lists.

This was shortly after Britney Spears shaved her head. 

Top Ten Signs Your City is Too Fat

10.  When people “have a little work done,” it usually involves a staple and a stomach.

9.  Your sister city is actually a chocolate factory in Switzerland.

8.  Real whales have no place to beach themselves.

7.  Babies that weigh less than 12 pounds when born get tossed back.

6.  McDonald’s forced to close because people mistook Golden Arches for fries.

5.  Residents have heart attacks just by watching someone shovel snow.

4.  Key to the city opens every Dunkin Donuts.

3.  Crime plummets because criminals are unable to lift heavy objects or run away.

2.  People keep asking “Does this king size bed I can’t get up from make me look fat?”

1.  It’s located in the United States of America.

 

Top Ten Messages Left on Britney Spears’ Answering Machine

10.  “Sorry it took so long to get back to you, but the best way to get gum out of hair is with peanut butter.”

9.  “This is your neighbor again.  Can you remind Kevin there’s a bathroom inside your house?”

8.  “We offer a 30-day escrow on any trailer you want to buy.”

7.  “This is your insurance company.  Your blood sample got the toxicologist drunk.”

6.  “Please don’t come back to our tattoo parlor.  You scared the strippers and bikers.”

5.  “You’re an embarrassment to the family.  I’m almost ashamed my son ever left his 8-months-pregnant girlfriend to run off with you.”

4.  “This is your rehab center.  As we told you before, you can’t get your recovery in a ‘to-go cup.’”

3.  “Brad Pitt and I would like to adopt your kids.”

 2.  “This is your agent.  And, no, we can’t convince everyone the past three years were just a dream, even if you did see it on ‘Dallas.’”

1.  “If you don’t send your deposit ASAP, your acceptance to Harvard will be withdrawn.”

 

Top Ten Ways George Bush Is Celebrating President’s Day

10.  Invading Sizzler.

9.  Re-naming Crawford ranch “Monticello West.”

8.  Gloating over how much more popular he is than Nixon.

7.  Finally putting some pants on the Washington Monument.

6.  Registering for gifts at Tyrants R Us.

5.  Stocking White House pantry with Twinkies, pork rinds and mayonnaise for possible return of the Clintons.

4.  Getting corporate sponsorship for new Lincoln Continental Bedroom.

3.  Showing Laura his Manifest Destiny.

2.  Smoking whatever is growing in the Rose Garden.

1.  Buying a 2007 Jeep Durango at the close-out price of the year!