COLBERT REPORT 2006

I had to do a countdown of the five biggest threats facing the nation.  

At this point in history, Arnold’s Schwarzenegger’s gubanatorial campaign was in the news.  And, apparently, the avian flu had made an appearance somewhere.

THREATDOWN

#5: Films That Show the Assassination of President Bush in 2007

The movie “Death of a President,” which depicts the assassination of President George W. Bush in 2007, should be banned because it is the #5 threat to this great nation.  Why?  Because in that movie’s version of the future, there are no flying cars.  No Orgasmatron.  I saw that movie and realized that in 2007 there’ll be no replicators, so, unlike Captain Jean Luc Picard, I won’t be able to say “Tea, Earl Grey, Hot” and have it magically appear.  I’m still gonna have to send some P.A. to get it, he’ll still screw up and I’ll still have to fire him myself.

If you’re going to assassinate a President in the future, I want it done by ray gun as a Cyborg flies in on a jet pack.

(Picture of jet pack-flying Cyborg assassinating President Bush by ray gun.)

If you’re giving me movies about the future, I want metallic clothing.  I want Thunderdome.  And, most of all, I want that Orgasmatron. 

 #4:  Restrictions Against the Worldwide Eradication of Birds

It comes down to this.  Terrorists cause terrorism.  We either kill them or send them to Gitmo.  Birds cause bird flu, so we either kill them or…

(Picture of prison cell at Guantanamo filled with birds.)

…we send them to Gitmo. 

What do birds do all day?  They flaunt their flying, mess up countless statues of obscure dead men and spread pestilence across the globe.  They are, in short, the avian John Travolta…

(Picture of John Travolta flying his jet, which is dumping excrement on statues)

…with even more Scientology.

(Picture of penguin in front of the Scientology Celebrity Center)

I want to see less of this…

(Clip of Tippi Hedron being attacked in “The Birds”)

…and more of this…

(Clip of a pigeon walking toward a crust of bread, then a pillowcase is thrown over its head and it’s whisked away.)

Birds.  You just can’t trust them.  And I wouldn’t loan money to John Travolta, either.

#3:  Political Sex Scandals That Don’t Turn Me on Personally

If I’m reading about two people having sex, I don’t want it to be two guys – even if my credit card isn’t being charged.  I want my sex scandals to involve plump-yet-beautiful, beret-wearing, young – but legal – women.  I want more blue dress and less lacrosse practice.  If someone has to do homework, I want her dressed in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform.  If there’s some powerful man IM-ing a much younger subordinate, I don’t want this…

(Photo of Mark Foley at computer)

I’m only interested in this…

(Stephen Colbert at computer)

So, please, dirty old men of America…either strike up affairs with Lindsay Lohan or be a hell of a lot more discrete.

 #2:  Media Disinterest in the Physical Fitness Level of Politicians

As the 2006 elections draw to a close, our nation faces one of its biggest threats from a media that just doesn’t give a damn about the physical fitness of our politicians.  And nowhere is this principle better exemplified than in a certain California race.

I’m speaking, of course, of the race between Mike DeNunzio and Nancy Pelosi.   If Democratic congressional candidates can take just a two-week break from raising taxes, burning flags and marrying off the gays – and there’s really no guarantee they can – there’s a chance they can re-take Congress.  That would put Nancy Pelosi in line to be the first female Speaker of the House since Tip O’Neill.

But think about what that means.  A woman in charge of the House of Representatives.   Can she physically do it?  What if I’m walking around the Capitol and there’s a terrorist attack on the building.  Who’s going to carry me to freedom?  Not Nancy Pelosi.  Could she carry Katie Couric?  

(Picture of Nancy Pelosi carrying Katie Couric) 

Probably.  Jon Stewart? 

(Picture of Nancy Pelosi carrying Jon Stewart) 

Most definitely so.  Rosie O’Donnell? 

(Picture of a squashed Nancy Pelosi beneath Rosie O’Donnell) 

Not everyone’s meant to survive a terrorist attack.

Before the liberal media sends Nancy back to Washington, I want them to ask one question:  Can she carry Colbert?  

(Picture of Pelosi carrying Colbert)

If not, we’d better elect a Congress full of firemen.  Or Rosie O’Donnell.

(Picture of Rosie carrying Nancy Pelosi, Katie Couric, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.)

 #1:  The Porous Border With Canada

The number one threat to America is, obviously, immigration.  Specifically the flood of Mckenzie Brother-loving, good-beer swilling, curling-team fanatics from Canada.   

Canada is filled with wannabe immigrants who’d like nothing more than to head to a land where you don’t need a winter coat in July.  A place where we’re proud to lock our doors every night.  And in the morning.  And during the day.  And carry a lot of guns.

They’ve already made military incursions onto American soil, such as the troop of Royal Canadian Mounted Police who invaded Louisiana in September 2005 to “help” victims of Hurricane Katrina.  We just happen to have pictures that tell a different story: 

(Cartoon picture of Dudley Do-Right wearing Mardi Gras beads and looking drunk)

(Cartoon picture of Dudley’s horse wearing Mardi Gras beads and looking drunk)

(Cartoon picture of Dudley leading his horse away for unseemly sexual action.)

We need to crack down on illegal Canadian immigrants.  Send the INS on raids to deport them:

(Before: Picture of an NHL game, filled with spectators)

(After:  Picture of a hockey game with a dozen spectators and only one player)

Now, I’m not suggesting building a fence between the U.S. and Canada, mostly because once we build the Mexican fence, we probably won’t have anyone to work on it.  Instead, let’s seed the northern border with landmines.  Not every mile of it.  Just here and there, and use pit bulls on the rest.

Canada.  Cold.  Not our friend.  But good beer.