Being a writer often means you hear “no,” more often than “yes.” I’ve had a fairly good career, but I’ve also been rejected just about everywhere in late night television (SNL…your time is coming).
I recently went through old submissions of mine, and found the rejected material I still really, really love. In the following posts, I’ve listed the shows I submitted to, any instructions they might’ve had and what was in the news at the time, if needed.
So, here’s a bunch of stuff that flopped:
The instructions were to take recent Top Ten topics, then do my own lists.
This was shortly after Britney Spears shaved her head.
Top Ten Signs Your City is Too Fat
10. When people “have a little work done,” it usually involves a staple and a stomach.
9. Your sister city is actually a chocolate factory in Switzerland.
8. Real whales have no place to beach themselves.
7. Babies that weigh less than 12 pounds when born get tossed back.
6. McDonald’s forced to close because people mistook Golden Arches for fries.
5. Residents have heart attacks just by watching someone shovel snow.
4. Key to the city opens every Dunkin Donuts.
3. Crime plummets because criminals are unable to lift heavy objects or run away.
2. People keep asking “Does this king size bed I can’t get up from make me look fat?”
1. It’s located in the United States of America.
Top Ten Messages Left on Britney Spears’ Answering Machine
10. “Sorry it took so long to get back to you, but the best way to get gum out of hair is with peanut butter.”
9. “This is your neighbor again. Can you remind Kevin there’s a bathroom inside your house?”
8. “We offer a 30-day escrow on any trailer you want to buy.”
7. “This is your insurance company. Your blood sample got the toxicologist drunk.”
6. “Please don’t come back to our tattoo parlor. You scared the strippers and bikers.”
5. “You’re an embarrassment to the family. I’m almost ashamed my son ever left his 8-months-pregnant girlfriend to run off with you.”
4. “This is your rehab center. As we told you before, you can’t get your recovery in a ‘to-go cup.’”
3. “Brad Pitt and I would like to adopt your kids.”
2. “This is your agent. And, no, we can’t convince everyone the past three years were just a dream, even if you did see it on ‘Dallas.’”
1. “If you don’t send your deposit ASAP, your acceptance to Harvard will be withdrawn.”
Top Ten Ways George Bush Is Celebrating President’s Day
10. Invading Sizzler.
9. Re-naming Crawford ranch “Monticello West.”
8. Gloating over how much more popular he is than Nixon.
7. Finally putting some pants on the Washington Monument.
6. Registering for gifts at Tyrants R Us.
5. Stocking White House pantry with Twinkies, pork rinds and mayonnaise for possible return of the Clintons.
4. Getting corporate sponsorship for new Lincoln Continental Bedroom.
3. Showing Laura his Manifest Destiny.
2. Smoking whatever is growing in the Rose Garden.
1. Buying a 2007 Jeep Durango at the close-out price of the year!
This got me my first interview at MAD TV.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY
Four MOVIE EXECUTIVES sit around a table.
MATT: We just got the latest box office receipts on “United 93.” It’s losing so much money, I don’t even think it’s worth releasing on DVD.
GREG: What if we re-shoot parts of it?
MATT: What do you mean?
GREG: I know this is a bit “unusual,” but what if we turn it into “Snakes on United 93.”
He looks around the table for approval.
MATT: I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem…easy.
GREG: Everyone’s making serious movies more accessible. Oliver Stone’s “World Trade Center” is really just a re-make of “The Towering Inferno.”
STAN: In the re-make of “Schindler’s List,” he doesn’t just put people on a list, he has to rank them in order of how much he likes them.
GREG: Exactly, they took a period piece — like the Holocaust — then gave it the tension and relevance of My Space rankings.
JOAN: I hear they’re doing that with the re-make of “Boat Trip.” They’re combining it with “Amistad,” and Cuba Gooding, Jr. still gets to star.
GREG: You can’t miss with “Snakes on United 93.” I mean, you’ve got snakes. And terrorists. What else could you ask for?
STAN: Jessica Alba.
GREG: Done.
JOAN: As long as we’re tinkering with the script, this time we should make the terrorists real bad guys.
STAN: Like they’re out to corner the world diamond market.
JOAN: Exactly.
Matt: Who’ll play the lead?
GREG: Samuel L. Jackson
.JOAN: If we can get him.
MATT: I don’t know. Our marketing department took a poll that showed almost 47% of Americans still remember 9/11. They’ll know there weren’t any snakes on that plane.
GREG: Who says there weren’t? The galley could’ve been crawling with ’em.
MATT: Wouldn’t the government have told us?
GREG: And risk upsetting the public? People would’ve been scared to fly for weeks after that.
JOAN: Plus, it’s a docu-drama. That means we can make 9/11 dramatic.
GREG: Look, it starts off with Sam Jackson getting on the plane and sitting next to a kid.
STAN: A sweet little black kid.
JOAN: In a wheelchair.
STAN: With asthma.
GREG: And there’s this loudmouth, obnoxious white guy who gets in Sam’s face.
STAN: Todd Beamer.
JOAN: Played by Eugene Levy.
GREG: Then all of the sudden, the kid looks up and sees a snake in the overhead luggage compartment.
STAN: And the kid freaks out, because he’s allergic to snakes.
GREG: Then one of the terrorists gets up and tells everyone to give him their diamonds.
JOAN: And an asteroid from space barely misses the plane.
Greg and Stan look at her.
GREG: Now, that’s just ridiculous.
JOAN: Okay, what if some of the snakes start fighting each other? Like they’re on our side, but some of the snakes are loyal to the terrorists. And some of them are completely neutral. But deadly.
STAN: That would work.
MATT: I don’t know. I just can’t picture it.
GREG: Trust us.
INT. MOVIE THEATER – NIGHT
It’s a movie trailer onscreen. The trailer is set on a plane with terrified PASSENGERS. THREE TERRORISTS hold diamonds, two snakes fight each other, while SAMUEL L. JACKSON AND EUGENE LEVY fight off some other snakes.
EUGENE LEVY: Let’s roll!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: Let’s roll? Let’s get these motherfucking snakes off this motherfucking plane!
The trailer freezes and we hear that guy who does the movie trailer V.O.:
MOVIE V.O. GUY: “Snakes on United 93.” Coming soon to a theater near you. This film is not yet rated and contains scenes of violence, nudity, snake fighting and diamond smuggling that may not be suitable for young children.
I had an audition for a correspondent slot for THE SHOWBIZ SHOW WITH DAVID SPADE and had to write a piece on celebrity adoption.
INT. STUDIO – EVENING
CORRESPONDENT: It’s the feel-good story of the decade, David: families from Third World nations are now adopting the children of Hollywood’s rich and famous unfit parents.
Soon both of Britney Spears’ kids will be on a plane to Mumbai, India, where they’ll meet their new Mom and 17 siblings. It’ll be a step up for young Sean Preston and Sutton Pierce, because this way, if their new Mom shows her ganeesha in public, it’ll be to put 21 grains of rice on the table and not just to get on the cover of Us Weekly for the 10 billionth time.
Meanwhile, Kevin Federline’s other children will also find a home in India, living in a garbage dump in Bangladore. The accommodations won’t be very nice, but by the time they’re 6, they could get great jobs at Time Warner Cable’s call center. The Federline family cycle of joblessness will finally come to an end.
And it’s not just the Third World families who are reaching out to the children. Two-year-old Zahara Jolie-Pitt has reportedly decided to give up her designer clothes, diamond-encrusted bottle and the chance to get all her vaccinations, in order to return to her Ethiopian AIDS orphanage.
DAVID: How did this all come about?
CORRESPONDENT: It was inspired by the tragic life of LaToya Jackson. Just think how much better off LaToya would be today if she’d been separated from her family at an early age and sent to live in Cambodia’s killing fields.
DAVID: Who else is being adopted?
CORRESPONDENT: Bobbi Kristina Brown, the daughter of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown is reportedly looking forward to her fresh start in Baghdad.
And in anticipation of problems to come, Pete Doherty and Kate Moss will be flown to Darfur, where Kate will give birth in a sewage trench, then the baby will be handed over to one of the nicest paramilitary leaders in the region.
DAVID: Is there anything we can learn from this situation?
CORRESPONDENT: One heartwarming conclusion: We Really Are the World. And They Do Know It’s Christmas.
I had to do a countdown of the five biggest threats facing the nation.
At this point in history, Arnold’s Schwarzenegger’s gubanatorial campaign was in the news. And, apparently, the avian flu had made an appearance somewhere.
THREATDOWN
#5: Films That Show the Assassination of President Bush in 2007
The movie “Death of a President,” which depicts the assassination of President George W. Bush in 2007, should be banned because it is the #5 threat to this great nation. Why? Because in that movie’s version of the future, there are no flying cars. No Orgasmatron. I saw that movie and realized that in 2007 there’ll be no replicators, so, unlike Captain Jean Luc Picard, I won’t be able to say “Tea, Earl Grey, Hot” and have it magically appear. I’m still gonna have to send some P.A. to get it, he’ll still screw up and I’ll still have to fire him myself.
If you’re going to assassinate a President in the future, I want it done by ray gun as a Cyborg flies in on a jet pack.
(Picture of jet pack-flying Cyborg assassinating President Bush by ray gun.)
If you’re giving me movies about the future, I want metallic clothing. I want Thunderdome. And, most of all, I want that Orgasmatron.
#4: Restrictions Against the Worldwide Eradication of Birds
It comes down to this. Terrorists cause terrorism. We either kill them or send them to Gitmo. Birds cause bird flu, so we either kill them or…
(Picture of prison cell at Guantanamo filled with birds.)
…we send them to Gitmo.
What do birds do all day? They flaunt their flying, mess up countless statues of obscure dead men and spread pestilence across the globe. They are, in short, the avian John Travolta…
(Picture of John Travolta flying his jet, which is dumping excrement on statues)
…with even more Scientology.
(Picture of penguin in front of the Scientology Celebrity Center)
I want to see less of this…
(Clip of Tippi Hedron being attacked in “The Birds”)
…and more of this…
(Clip of a pigeon walking toward a crust of bread, then a pillowcase is thrown over its head and it’s whisked away.)
Birds. You just can’t trust them. And I wouldn’t loan money to John Travolta, either.
#3: Political Sex Scandals That Don’t Turn Me on Personally
If I’m reading about two people having sex, I don’t want it to be two guys – even if my credit card isn’t being charged. I want my sex scandals to involve plump-yet-beautiful, beret-wearing, young – but legal – women. I want more blue dress and less lacrosse practice. If someone has to do homework, I want her dressed in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform. If there’s some powerful man IM-ing a much younger subordinate, I don’t want this…
(Photo of Mark Foley at computer)
I’m only interested in this…
(Stephen Colbert at computer)
So, please, dirty old men of America…either strike up affairs with Lindsay Lohan or be a hell of a lot more discrete.
#2: Media Disinterest in the Physical Fitness Level of Politicians
As the 2006 elections draw to a close, our nation faces one of its biggest threats from a media that just doesn’t give a damn about the physical fitness of our politicians. And nowhere is this principle better exemplified than in a certain California race.
I’m speaking, of course, of the race between Mike DeNunzio and Nancy Pelosi. If Democratic congressional candidates can take just a two-week break from raising taxes, burning flags and marrying off the gays – and there’s really no guarantee they can – there’s a chance they can re-take Congress. That would put Nancy Pelosi in line to be the first female Speaker of the House since Tip O’Neill.
But think about what that means. A woman in charge of the House of Representatives. Can she physically do it? What if I’m walking around the Capitol and there’s a terrorist attack on the building. Who’s going to carry me to freedom? Not Nancy Pelosi. Could she carry Katie Couric?
(Picture of Nancy Pelosi carrying Katie Couric)
Probably. Jon Stewart?
(Picture of Nancy Pelosi carrying Jon Stewart)
Most definitely so. Rosie O’Donnell?
(Picture of a squashed Nancy Pelosi beneath Rosie O’Donnell)
Not everyone’s meant to survive a terrorist attack.
Before the liberal media sends Nancy back to Washington, I want them to ask one question: Can she carry Colbert?
(Picture of Pelosi carrying Colbert)
If not, we’d better elect a Congress full of firemen. Or Rosie O’Donnell.
(Picture of Rosie carrying Nancy Pelosi, Katie Couric, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.)
#1: The Porous Border With Canada
The number one threat to America is, obviously, immigration. Specifically the flood of Mckenzie Brother-loving, good-beer swilling, curling-team fanatics from Canada.
Canada is filled with wannabe immigrants who’d like nothing more than to head to a land where you don’t need a winter coat in July. A place where we’re proud to lock our doors every night. And in the morning. And during the day. And carry a lot of guns.
They’ve already made military incursions onto American soil, such as the troop of Royal Canadian Mounted Police who invaded Louisiana in September 2005 to “help” victims of Hurricane Katrina. We just happen to have pictures that tell a different story:
(Cartoon picture of Dudley Do-Right wearing Mardi Gras beads and looking drunk)
(Cartoon picture of Dudley’s horse wearing Mardi Gras beads and looking drunk)
(Cartoon picture of Dudley leading his horse away for unseemly sexual action.)
We need to crack down on illegal Canadian immigrants. Send the INS on raids to deport them:
(Before: Picture of an NHL game, filled with spectators)
(After: Picture of a hockey game with a dozen spectators and only one player)
Now, I’m not suggesting building a fence between the U.S. and Canada, mostly because once we build the Mexican fence, we probably won’t have anyone to work on it. Instead, let’s seed the northern border with landmines. Not every mile of it. Just here and there, and use pit bulls on the rest.
Canada. Cold. Not our friend. But good beer.
I had to take one current event and write an editorial-type piece. The other is just a joke.
TAKE THIS JOB AND SCHIAVO IT
Apparently following up on its pledge to keep America safe from…itself, Congress held a rare Sunday session to pass legislation aimed at prolonging the life of Terri Schiavo, the Florida woman who’s been in a “persistent vegetative state” since 1990. The bill orders a federal court to review the case and GOP leaders hope Schiavo’s feeding tube, which was removed last Friday, will be reinserted in the meantime.
“The measure of a nation’s commitment to the sanctity of life is reflected in its laws and the extent those laws honor and defend its most vulnerable citizens.” Whoa, did they just switch the subject to health care for children? No, they didn’t! That was Republican Representative James Sensenbrenner, beating a, well, “persistent vegetative” horse, regarding a woman whose feeding tube has been removed and reinserted twice before, which would certainly underscore the “vulnerable” he was talking about.
President Bush rushed back from his Texas ranch to sign the legislation. And Vice President Cheney reiterated his strong support for keeping people in comas alive, for obvious reasons.
(PICTURE OF CHENEY HOOKED UP TO HEART MONITORING EQUIPMENT)
As for someone whose life is not likely to be saved by the Republican-led Congress, Scott Peterson arrived on death row in San Quentin, amid news reports that Robert Blake was found not guilty of murdering his wife. Because apparently in California, a jury won’t find you guilty of killing your wife and trying to flee…
(PICTURES OF BLAKE AND O.J.)
…unless you also dye your hair blonde. Poorly.
(PICTURE OF SCOTT PETERSON WITH BLONDE HAIR).
On Peterson’s first day on death row, two women called prison officials, saying they were interested in marrying him. They were Renee Zellweger and, interestingly, Terry Schiavo.
GO TO HELMS
In a fundraising letter for his new library, former U.S. Senator Jesse Helms asks his supporters to block any move to appoint Bill Clinton as U.N. Secretary General. The former Senator and current Crazy Bigot seeks funding for the Jesse Helms Center, pictured here in a special Daily Show rendering:
(PICTURE OF JESSE HELMS CENTER WITH BURNING CROSS ON FRONT LAWN)
All I want to know is when has any supporter of Jesse Helms ever wanted to build a library?
This one I really can’t complain about, because I wouldn’t have hired me either. But I love both of these pieces.
“Strunk & White’s Elements of Style” is a much beloved manual for proper grammar, punctuation and writing, most familiar to journalists and nerds (hence my love for the joke). One of its authors, E.B. White, wrote “Charlotte’s Web.”
And I was completely obsessed with the many, many tragedies suffered by the Boy Scouts of America during the summer of 2005.
The Unabomber and Strunk & White
A federal appeals court has ordered the sale of Unabomber Ted Kaczynski’s personal effects, which include a copy of Strunk & White’s The Elements of Style.
I thought I recognized a little E.B. White in his writing:
“If you think that big government interferes in your life too much NOW, just wait till the government starts regulating the genetic constitution of your children. Such regulation will inevitably follow the introduction of genetic engineering of human beings, because the consequences of unregulated genetic engineering would be disastrous.”
That just reeks of Charlotte’s Web.
“It presumably would be impractical for all people to have electrodes inserted in their heads so that they could be controlled by the authorities.”
This follows Strunk & White’s advice, which tells us “Do not overstate.” The Unabomber does not say “it’s impossible for all people to have electrodes inserted in their heads.” He says it’s “impractical” and, for bonus points, uses “presumably” correctly.
“Success will be impossible to resist, because each advance, considered by itself, will appear to be beneficial, or at least the evil involved in making the advance will appear to be beneficial, or at least the evil involved in making the advance will seem to be less than that which would result from not making it.”
I have no complaints with this, other than it’s a bit of a run-on sentence: “…the evil involved in making the advice will appear to be beneficial” – period.
Boy Scout Jamboree Safety Report
Given the recent, uh, “unfortunate” events at the Boy Scout Jamboree, the following camp activities have been cancelled:
Technically, this shouldn’t be on the list since not only did I get this job, they gave me head writer. But here are a few of my favorite jokes from my submission:
Lindsay Lohan has been accused of stealing an $11,000 blond mink coat at a private party. She returned it two weeks after a picture of her wearing the coat appeared in OK! Magazine. According to the fur’s owner, the returned coat smelled of cigarettes and alcohol, and, from what we heard, just a smidgeon of Chlamydia.
The fur’s current owner wants an apology and a rental fee from Lohan. So far, there’s been no comment on the controversy from the fur’s original owner, which was, of course, several blond minks.
TV Guide has proclaimed Patrick Dempsey the Sexiest Man on TV. Really? He beat out Howie Mandel, Jim Belushi and Mike Wallace? Surely this cannot be.
The “Sex and the City” movie opens May 30th. All you need to enjoy it is a ticket and a Time Machine taking you back to when a “Sex and the City” movie sounded like a good idea.
Fortunately, we were able to get an exclusive sneak peek at the script.
(Picks up script to read).
The girls are at brunch and Samantha is speaking: “Cock, cock, cock, Botox, cock, cock, cock.” It’s my understanding the movie is based on the writings of Jane Austen.
I got an interview with yet another set of the MAD TV showrunners.
Meredith Viera had just done a much-publicized interview with J.K. Rowling after the publication of the final Harry Potter book.
THE MEREDITH VIERA J.K. ROWLING INTERVIEW
INT. STUDIO – DAY
MEREDITH VIERA and J.K. ROWLING sit in chairs, surrounded by CHILDREN.
MEREDITH: I’m here with Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling in a very special “Today Show” exclusive. We finally have closure on what happens to Voldemort and Harry, but your fans are still clamoring for more. Tell us…what happens next?
J.K. ROWLING: Do you really want to know?
All the kids scream “Yes!”
J.K. ROWLING: Lovely. Everyone gets hit by a bus.
Meredith laughs.
J.K. ROWLING: No, really, they do. All of them. Well, not all of them. Mrs. Weasley gets torn apart by a pitbull. They have to shoot it in the end — the pitbull, not Mrs. Weasley. She’s torn limb from limb. But you would be, too, wouldn’t you, if you were attacked by a pitbull?
MEREDITH: I don’t understand.
J.K. ROWLING: Hermione, how shall I put this, becomes a meth addict. Do you remember that scene toward the end of “Requiem for a Dream” where Jennifer Connelly and the other crack whore both have a dildo in their anuses and are fucking while men bet money on them?
A solemn CHILD nods his head yes.
J.K. ROWLING: Well, that’s the type of thing Hermione would prefer doing, rather than what she’s forced to do every single night. It’s quite dreadful, really. But the good news is that the Dark Lord is finally dead. Hurrah! The Wizarding World never has to worry about him again, do they? Now it’s just a matter of getting rid of the rampant genital warts that broke out with all the celebrating.
A stricken Meredith Viera asks:
MEREDITH: What about Harry?
J.K. ROWLING: He lives long into the future. And he hates Latinos. Can’t stand ‘em, really.
MEREDITH: Well, I think that’s about it for our interview with J.K. Rowling.
J.K. ROWLING: Would you like to know how big Hagrid’s penis is?
MEREDITH: Kind of.
J.K. ROWLING: Well, if you tried to put it in your…
The camera cuts away to the Technical Difficulties screen.
Fade to Black.
When the SHOWBIZ SHOW WITH DAVID SPADE first started, they said they were looking for “edgy” material. Pushing the envelope. Edgy, edgy, edgy. So, I did my best edgy material and sent it off.
About a week later, my manager told me that even though they thought I was funny, I didn’t get the job. She was told the vast majority of submissions they received were too weak. About a dozen nailed the tone. And a handful — a handful — were way over the top edgy. Here’s part of my submission. I’ll let you figure out where I landed on the spectrum.
This was the point in history when Lindsay Lohan lost a bunch of weight and right before she went batshit crazy:
Semistar: the Lindsay Lohan Story
Pre-taped bit. In the vein of “Superstar: the Karen Carpenter Story,” in which a Barbie doll acted out Karen’s tragic life, we use a doll to highlight Lindsay Lohan’s recent activities.
The doll starts out with dark hair.
VOICEOVER: “Here’s Lindsay when she filmed ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded.’”
The doll now has blonde hair and large bits of plastic have been shaved off its arms and legs.
VOICEOVER: “Here’s Lindsay months later at the premiere of ‘Herbie: Fully Loaded.’”
We see a close-up of the skinny, blonde doll, with a crazed look in its eyes and thinning hair.
VOICEOVER: “Lindsay denies having an eating disorder.”
The doll turns and throws up.
VOICEOVER: “She just exercises and eats right.”
The doll has passed out next to a spinning bike. A package of Ex-Lax is next to it.
VOICEOVER: “With a bright career ahead of her, Lindsay could be the next Jennifer Aniston…”
We see a Jennifer doll as skinny as Lindsay.
VOICEOVER: “Angelina Jolie…”
We see another skinny doll, this one with big lips and tattoos.
VOICEOVER: “Or even Nicole Kidman.”
A skeleton sits on the “Bewitched” broom.
VOICEOVER: “Good luck, Lindsay, we’re rooting for you.”
We see the skinny Lindsay doll, hooked up to an IV, with a feeding tube. Then a Ken doll smothers her with a pillow.
Motherfuckers said they wanted “edgy.”
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