A CONVERSATION BETWEEN CLARENCE THE ANGEL AND MR. JORDAN
EXT. PEARLY GATES
MR. JORDAN AND CLARENCE THE ANGEL HAVE A MEETING.
MR. JORDAN: In light of that George Bailey project a few years back, we’ve entrusted you with some recent celebrity deaths. How’s it going?
CLARENCE : To be honest, Mr. Jordan, I’m having some difficulties. For instance, what do I do with Farrah Fawcett?
MR. JORDAN: Ah, Clarence, you have been dead for a long time. Didn’t you ever see her poster? That must’ve given you some ideas.
CLARENCE: I’ve been too busy reading that book by Mark Twain.
MR. JORDAN: You’ve been trying to finish that book for 65 years, Clarence, which makes you the slowest reader in Heaven — and we’ve got Terry Schiavo. There’s really only one thing to do with Farrah Fawcett and it’s not send her to hell, no matter how much Aaron Spelling wants to see her. Next?
CLARENCE : ’50s television actress Gale Storm. A real sweet lady.
MR. JORDAN: She goes straight to hell.
CLARENCE: Sir?
MR. JORDAN: Does it look like we’ve got a shortage of sweet old ladies in Heaven? Next.
CLARENCE: Ed McMahon. He helped discover Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.
MR. JORDAN: Hell sounds like the obvious choice.
CLARENCE: But he’s such a nice man. He could room with Johnny Carson.
MR. JORDAN: Didn’t Fred Travalena just die?
CLARENCE : Yes.
MR. JORDAN: Then we’ll make Ed McMahon and Fred Travalena roommates and Fred can imitate Johnny. Next.
CLARENCE: Here’s kind of a tricky one. Michael Jackson. I mean, on the one hand, he did some baby dangling from a balcony. On the other hand, there’s “Thriller.”
MR. JORDAN: Oooh, that’s tough.
CLARENCE: I liked that video where the faces morphed into each other. But it kind of made me uncomfortable when he had so many close friends under the age of 9.
MR. JORDAN: It’s a tricky one.
CLARENCE: He can really, really dance well. I mean, that whole Moonwalk thing blew my mind. But sometimes, I got kind of a weird vibe from all the child molesting.
MR. JORDAN : Alleged child molesting, Clarence. Alleged.
CLARENCE: What are we going to do?
MR. JORDAN: I say anyone who inspires Filipino prisoners to get more exercise can’t be all bad. Let Michael into Heaven. And keep him away from all the kids.
CLARENCE: Billy Mays?
MR. JORDAN : Straight to hell.
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